


To Save a Man or Kill Him

by lol-phan-af (lol_phan_af)



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alexander Hamilton Being an Asshole, Betrayal, Duelling, F/M, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Lovers To Enemies, M/M, Manipulation, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-17 14:39:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11277348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lol_phan_af/pseuds/lol-phan-af
Summary: As he stepped across the field of dead grass, burnt by summer heat, he couldn't help but long for that time. The time when he would not dare do something like this, would never let himself be so foolish as to let his heart rule over his head. Instincts are quick only to save a man or kill him, and now they were set loose beyond his control to do either one.Hamilton walked off of the boat, Pendleton and Hosack at his sides, and Burr's heart sunk. His hair is streaked with gray, the bags under his eyes more persistent than Aaron had ever seen them. He looked aged beyond his years, and the fire he used to hold between his teeth like a prayer has run cold now, but he remained just as beautiful as the day Burr first saw him.





	To Save a Man or Kill Him

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bluecarrot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluecarrot/gifts).



There used to be a time in Aaron's life where things like this were below him, where he thought dueling existed for childish boys who didn't know what the weight of a gun felt like or the consequences of their actions. The blood on their hands would never touch their skin, and they would not have to admit their faults until they were subject to the will of God, and then there was nothing they could do to save themselves.  
  
He admired that time, when he was young and ambitious and loyal only to the goals he set for himself. Nothing could stop him then, not the revolution, not Hamilton, not Washington, could deter him from what he set out to do. It was a short experience, and one he missed.  
  
As he stepped across the field of dead grass, burnt by the summer heat, he couldn't help but long for that time. The time when he would not dare do something like this, would never let himself be so foolish as to let his heart rule over his head. Instincts are quick only to save a man or kill him, and now they were set loose beyond his control to do either one.  
  
Hamilton walked off of the boat, Pendleton and Hosack at his sides, and Burr's heart sunk. His hair is streaked with gray, the bags under his eyes more persistent than Aaron had ever seen them. He looked aged beyond his years, and the fire he used to hold between his teeth like a prayer has run cold now, but he remained just as beautiful as the day Burr first saw him.  
  
It was 1773, Elizabethtown offering nothing but pleasant experiences so far in the time he'd spent there. The sun poured in through the crystal clear windows of the drawing room, making the ornate gold decorations on the mantlepiece sparkle. The room was empty besides him, everyone else meeting in a separate room for another conversation that didn't involve him, at least not yet.  
  
"Excuse me," a voice said from behind him, an unfamiliar accent coloring his words. "Is this the main drawing room?"  
  
Aaron turned to look, shocked at the man he saw. He was about the same age as him, with bright brown eyes and sleek hair of the same color, pulled back with a ribbon. His clothes were almost tattered, held together by what seemed like sheer force of will. Smudges of dirt and ink adorned his coat and breeches, but Aaron paid no mind to it. His eyes gleamed like an entire world had formed behind them, gears turning continuously in his mind.  
  
"It's the only one I know of," Aaron responded, and the man nodded and walked in.  
  
"Alexander Hamilton," he introduced. Even his hands were covered in ink, under his fingernails and across his knuckles until it disappeared halfway under the cuff of his jacket.  
  
"Aaron Burr."  
  
"Oh, I've heard of you. You went to New Jersey, right? Graduated early?"  
  
Aaron nodded. "Right. Apparently that doesn't get me anywhere here, though."  
  
"Perhaps not, but you have an entire life to astound the people who doubt you. Why would you let something like this affect you?"  
  
"I suppose you're right," he whispered.  
  
Alexander smiled and another door in the house burst open, the laughter and voices of men bursting from it. They came out in throngs, all heading towards the drawing room that Alexander was still smiling in. As they were surrounded by people, pushed apart by scholars and fate, Burr found himself smiling back, the small impression Alexander left on him burning in his mind.  
  
"Burr," Hamilton breathed. The sun reflected through his glasses, blocking his tired eyes from Aaron's view.  
  
"Hamilton," Burr said back. His heart pounded against his ribcage. Could he do this? When the time comes to it, and they are standing twenty paces apart, will he be courageous enough to be able to pull the trigger? Will Hamilton be able to do the same?  
  
"I'm sorry that you think we have to settle our feud in this manner." Alexander's voice cracked, but he didn't look embarrassed.  
  
"You insulted me, Alexander. You insulted my abilities and my loyalty to this country. I cannot forgive that, no matter the circumstances."  
  
"And I will not ask you to. But I have to wonder, will the abilities you claim to be so extensive help you succeed here? In the end, will anything I've said really matter?"  
  
"What are you trying to do?" He stepped away from Alexander, saw the slump in the man's shoulders.  
  
"I just," he flexed his hands, "want you to think about it. Think about a time before you were so willing to kill me."  
  
"Alexander-" Burr tried, but with a swish of his cloak Alex stalked away, back to the others waiting for him.  
  
They met again as aides-de-camp on Washington's staff, and the short span of time had treated Alexander well. He wasn't as gaunt as before, his face brighter and even more captivating than it had been. His clothing was of better quality, shoes shining in the lantern light. Ink still covered his skin, smudged on his hands and shirt, one smear on the high point of his cheekbone that Burr didn't want to admit tempted him.  
  
"Burr!" Alexander grinned, and Burr returned it automatically.  
  
"Hello, Hamilton."  
  
"I see that you're taking what I said to heart and not letting other people stop your rise to success."  
  
Burr nodded. "I'm trying to."  
  
"That's wonderful," his smile widened, and Burr's heart opened up even more to him. Alexander had a magnetic pull, drew everything towards him and latched on, and Aaron was no exception.  
  
_Ten_  
  
He could feel Alexander's shuddering breath as they stood back to back, pistols gripped tight in both of their hands. It's been years, decades, since they have been this close, and Burr would allow himself to cherish this if only it were under different circumstances, but he chose this. _He did this to himself_ .  
  
Burr was almost sprinting to Alexander's tent, dodging men left and right, adrenaline and lack of conscience coursing through his veins. It was foolish, he _knew_ this, but he still ran. Aaron felt like he was burning from the inside out, because of Alexander, because of the hold he had over him. It felt almost cruel, how much Alexander affected him, how he could turn Aaron's darkest days into his best with just one look, could flip decent days to terrible ones by simply not being there.  
  
Alex swiveled on his desk bench to face him. "Mr. Burr, what can I help you with?" He asked.  
  
His desk stood in the center of the tent, turned away from the entrance, with just enough room on either side for someone to squeeze through to get to the beds. Laurens had gone, Aaron knew this, watched him saunter off with Mulligan and Lafayette half an hour ago. They wouldn't be back until later, if they even came back at all. This was his opportunity, all he had to do was take it.  
  
He swallowed, hands shaking. The heat in him seconds ago was fading, but it had not gone completely yet.  
  
"Aaron?" Alex questioned, and Burr kissed him. It was messy and dangerous and they shouldn't be doing this, but Burr didn't care.  
  
Alexander made a noise in his throat but he kissed back, the fire on his tongue burned on his lips and melted into Aaron. It singed on his skin but he didn't shift away from it, not as Alex's hands came up to his neck and pulled him closer, eventually standing up so he could press his chest against Burr's body.  
  
It was sweet, so much so that Aaron felt himself buzzing at the high it gave him, but it didn't last. Alex pushed him away, panting, hair falling out of its ribbon. His shirt became untucked and his waistcoat astray on his torso.  
  
"You mustn't, you can't-" he struggled to find the words, and Aaron was almost proud if not for the overwhelming amount of fear that consumed him by the minute.  
  
"That can't ever happen again. You must not do that ever again," he choked, voice wrecked.  
  
A beat of silence passed, and then Alex closed the distance between them again, lips still burning, hands still searing his skin as he touched him.  
  
It felt like ages that they were standing there, even though Burr knew that only moments passed. A nod from Van Ness and he stepped across the field, away from the man he loved once, away from the man who was responsible for this in the first place.  
  
_Nine_ _  
_ _  
_ Aaron knew Alexander could be merciless, could fight battles and not blink an eye at the amount of blood spilt because he deemed it necessary in order to win. He knew Alex had no time to stop or pause or take breaks because he had so much to do, and instead of waiting for someone else to do it, he had to be the first one. He had to get there first, make an impact unlike any other.  
  
He knew Alexander would not carve out time for someone ordinary, so the fact that he laid on Aaron's bed, wearing only his undershirt, his hair fanned out across the pillow, was almost as amazing as the picture he made. Alexander was beautiful, it was no question, he was a human masterpiece that Burr got to witness, and he didn't care if it killed him.  
  
_Eight_  
  
He couldn't hear anything above his own panting as he struggled to walk in a straight line. He wondered if Alexander had the same problem, or if he strode across this field with pride in his steps, like he used to. Aaron wouldn't put it past him, Alexander never cared about how everyone around him felt, he took without giving, selfish and apathetic to the world around him.  
  
Aaron told himself this as he felt the fabric of his cloak sway at his sides. Alex never cared about anyone but himself. He saw the world as his to take and would knock down everyone in his path to get it. He ruined his own life, ruined Burr's life, ruined his family and everyone around him. Alexander did this to himself, this could have only ended like this.  
  
_Seven_ _  
_  
Aaron didn't have anything against Elizabeth Schuyler. She was a beautiful woman, dark hair and eyes, from a wealthy family, her legacy already set in stone to be remembered. She was everything Alexander ever hoped for, Burr forgotten in an instant. They fell back into familiar company, one before Burr kissed him, to when they were just acquaintances passing by one another without thought. At least, that's how Alexander saw it. Burr almost always thought about Alex, about the love Aaron still felt for him, even if he moved on, even if he never spoke another word to him.  
  
"I never forgot you," Alexander told him. His charm increased by the day, thrumming under his skin and radiating off of him.  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"I never forgot the feelings I harbored for you, Aaron," he said. Burr felt a sharp pain in his chest at the sound of his Christian name. Alex never called him Aaron often in the years they'd known each other. The last time he did, he was in a far different position than the one they're in now.  
  
"Alex-"  
  
"They were real, and I meant every word I said to you concerning them, but I can't," he paused. "I can't live the rest of my life loving you in secret. I must move on."  
  
"I understand." Tears threatened to fall, but he refused to let them.  
  
Alexander cleared his throat, stared at the dirt beneath him. "I'm getting married." He twirled his hat in his hands, fingers dragging along the brim.  
  
"That's good."  
  
"Elizabeth is a wonderful woman. I'll be well off with her as my wife." He said it under his breath, like he was trying to convince himself more than Aaron.  
  
"I'm happy for you, Alexander, truly. I wish you the all the happiness in the world," and he meant it. He meant it.  
  
"Thank you," he choked, tears dripping down his cheeks. He disappeared out of the tent, leaving Burr alone, a glimpse of the life he would lead once Alexander said his vows and left his love for him behind.  
  
_Seven_  
  
There's a knock on his door in the middle of the night. Aaron had been up, sitting at his desk, savoring the quiet of night without Theodosia Jr.'s crying. He learned to take whatever silence he could get, infants unforgiving and demanding in their need for attention.  
  
Alexander was frantic, hands running through his hair like he was trying to rip it out. Smudges and fingerprints covered his glasses, it was a miracle he could even see out of them. He wasn't wearing a jacket, his waistcoat buttoned wrong, shoes mismatched. The eyes containing worlds with the never ending gears whirring behind them were out of control, leaving the man who possessed them manic.  
  
"Alexander?"  
  
"I need your help," he pleaded.  
  
"With?" He and Alexander hadn't spoken for almost a year, making the shock of him showing up on Aaron's doorstep at two in morning even more hard hitting.  
  
"Me and Madison, James Madison, have begun writing a series of, of letters to defend the Constitution, and I, we," he sighed. " _I_ need your help."  
  
"Alex, I-"  
  
"Please, Burr, I wouldn't ask if it wasn't necessary."  
  
"I'm sorry, but I can't help you with this, Alexander. The Constitution needs work, a considerable amount of it, and I cannot condone such blind faith in something that may or may not succeed."  
  
"We did not fight a war that _may or may not have succeeded_ just to give up once its aftermath followed its influence. You're willing to forget what we sacrificed just because you're too scared to take chances?" He hissed. Aaron jumped back.  
  
"I am not willing to sacrifice my good name for a futile attempt at making sense of this. You don't know what you're doing, _nobody does_ . I refuse to be a part of something so abstract." He yelled into the empty street, his voice echoing off of the houses.  
  
"There was a time when I admired you, when I loved you. You are not the same man you were then." He knew what his words did to him, the effect they had. It felt like a punch to the gut, left him grappling for something to say.  
  
"Go home, Alex. Mrs. Hamilton has probably missed your absence by now," he whispered, and closed the door in front of him. He heard Alex shout, a shallow thud reverberating through the wood, and then nothing. Aaron pressed his ear to it, trying to hear if Alexander was still standing there.  
  
"What did I ever do to make you hate me so much?" Alex mumbled, sobbing quietly.  
  
Burr wanted to open the door. He wanted to kiss him. He wanted to shout at Alexander that he didn't hate him and that even though he didn't want to help him with this, that's not what it meant. His overreaction was not necessary, but Burr's argument wouldn't matter to him. He wanted to make it anyway.  
  
Instead, he checked on his daughter in her crib one more time, and then he went to bed.  
  
_Six_  
  
Thomas Jefferson is magnetic, almost as much as Alexander, but not quite. He spoke with superiority in his words, condescension stuffed into each syllable. He was backed by his money and the other people of his party but not much else, Washington favoring Alexander almost every time.  
  
They were on opposing sides now, him and Alex, but Aaron would be stupid to deny the fact that he still loved him. He was still attracted to the tempting energy Alex created, and their past did nothing but leave him attached and wanting for something he could no longer have.  
  
He had to get over it, he thought as he pretended to write something down to make it look like he was listening. He had a wife, a daughter, a life that many envied. He shouldn't still be in love with a man who gave him up years ago.  
  
Alexander spoke again, turning so he looked at everyone in the room, made his words haunt them so that even when he stopped, the fire they saw in his eyes stuck. His gaze caught with Aaron's, smirk painting his face. Aaron couldn't heart him speak over the sound of his heart beating in his chest. Alex scanned him over for a moment, but then moved on to the next person.  
  
That seemed to be a pattern with him.  
  
_Five_  
  
The doctor told him slowly as he stared at her body in front of him, cold, still covered in sweat. Her lips were gray and off color, her hair damp and lifeless, so different from the day he first saw her. His heart felt displaced in his body, just slightly off of where it should be. His words were caught in his throat, he had to leave.  
  
He offered no explanation as he ran out, the same adrenaline that fueled him years ago charging him now. There excitement he felt then was not present this time, instead a desperate ache to escape, to reject every emotion except the need to not feel the pain that almost killed him inside.  
  
He ended up at the door of Alex's office, didn't think to knock before barging in. Alex stood up and turned to face whoever walked in, shocked to see Aaron, crying, after such a long time.  
  
"Mr. Burr?" he asked. Burr didn't answer. He charged at him, cradling the back of his head as he pushed their lips together. It was stupid, he chanted it over and over in his head that he _shouldn't be doing this_ , but now was not the time to think about the weight of this on his conscience. He moved backwards with Alex until he heard them run into the wall, and he just kept kissing him until Alex pulled away.  
  
"What are you doing?" Alex questioned.  
  
"Forgetting," he panted. Alex's eyebrows furrowed but he didn't question him beyond that so Aaron kissed him again, and he forgot, for a while, why he was there in the first place. Alexander still responded in the same way he did before, resurfacing memories of him Burr tried hopelessly to push down.  
  
The memories would come back as he left, but as Alexander pushed his coat off of his shoulders, he could avoid them a while longer.  
  
_Four_  
  
Aaron read the pamphlet page to page, each sentence written making his skin crawl. It was sin written down and cataloged, printed repeatedly and distributed to the general public. The devil himself would not touch this, and Burr's stomach lurched at the fact that he read every word.  
  
He flushed as he thought over it, of the things he described. He wondered why it mattered so much for him to have an affair with this woman, why he kept going back even if he knew how much was at stake. It didn't take him long to realize the similarity in their situations, him and Mrs. Reynolds. He felt guilty that Alexander did this to her, sorry for the fact that he so carelessly took her life and ruined it to save his own.  
  
He expressed this much to her as she sat across from him in his office.  
  
"Did you know him?" She asked.  
  
"Mr. Hamilton?" She nodded, and Burr sighed. "Yes. We fought together in the war, we were colleagues."  
  
"Do you still speak with him?" He thought of the time last month, when Alexander was in his bedroom, stripped down to his breeches, but before he could go into thoughts of their conversation, he shook himself from those thoughts. Alexander had hurt this woman, turned her into a political casualty, and he could not forgive him for that.  
  
"Not as much as I once used to," is what he told her, hoping she didn't catch him in his lie.  
  
"I used to think he was wonderful. He's a much smarter man than my husband, but he knew better than to love me. He knew better than to care."  
  
"I'm going to help you get away from your husband." His voice cracked, and it almost killed him.  
  
"They took my daughter, sir," she whispered, choked, and Aaron couldn't find anything to respond with.  
  
_Three_  
  
Burr didn't see Alexander much anymore, not since the pamphlet. He did not want any part of this man, the man forged by the way of his own selfish ambition, fueled only by his own want for _more_ . Alex had always been dismissive of other people's feelings, whether they were towards him or otherwise, but now it was downright cruel.  
  
"You? Running for president?" He asked, chuckling. "No offense, Burr, but I don't think you're the type."  
  
They were alone in the room, and Aaron wanted to kill him. He wanted to grab the man he loved for years and watch as the fire in his eyes burnt out.  
  
"Well, whether I'm the type or not," he spoke through gritted teeth, "I'm in the running."  
  
"I applaud you, and wish you the best in your campaign."  
  
"I did not call you here to give you this news and leave. A newspaper could easily give you the same information. I came here to ask something of you."  
  
"Oh?" He stepped closer to Burr, eyes gleaming. If he was a younger man, this would've driven him mad, now it just reminded him of simpler times, before all of this.  
  
"Adams has ruined his own credibility, shown his incompetence to the entire country through his lack of abilities. Him and Pickney don't stand a chance."  
  
"I agree."  
  
"Jefferson is my only real competitor, so it's between me and him for the seat. Right now, it's a balancing act for the Federalist vote, and you are the most influential member of the party despite having ruined your reputation, perhaps more so than Adams."  
  
"You want me to back you," Alex said, pushing Aaron against his desk and slotting his knee through his legs.  
  
"That is precisely what I want, yes."  
  
"And what are you going to do to get it?"  
  
Alexander's endorsement of Jefferson was in the paper the next week, and Aaron felt the article shoot through his heart like a bullet.  
  
_Two_  
  
Alex used him. All he ever did was use people. He used Maria Reynolds and Eliza and _him_ . He was poisonous, killed everything he ever laid hands on, destroyed his soul and broke him over and over and then made him keep coming back. Alexander had killed him symbolically for years, it was only right that Burr killed him literally here.  
  
He had two steps left, but he already wanted to turn. His mind was a mile ahead of him, had already fired the gun, was already dealing with the aftermath.  
  
He made his decision. Now, it was only a matter of aim.  
  
_One_  
  
Their relationship was severed, cut off. They had no contact with one another, Burr thought he was free from the prying eyes and quill of Alexander. He thought he could simply exist in peace for once without having the manipulative man come back into his life and take one more thing from him. His days were dark but they were _bearable_ , and that is all Aaron wanted.  
  
He did not expect Alexander to accept Burr's running for governor, but he did not expect this. Letters, not to him but to a man named Cooper, calling him _dangerous_ , that he _was not to be trusted with the reigns of government_ . This was slander, this was an insult to the very nature of his character. This would not go unsettled, this would not go unnoticed by him.  
  
"Thirty years, Alexander. Thirty years we've known each other and now, you do this?" He questioned, fury bleeding through his words.  
  
"I think that real shock here," he smirked, "is that you assume I _haven't_ been doing this for the past thirty years."  
  
_Fire!_  
  
Burr whipped around, fabric of his cloak snapping against his body. Alexander's tired eyes widened as Burr pulled the trigger while his own hand remained still. The bullet zipped through the air, and Aaron almost thought he missed if not for Alex's hand coming to cover the wound, red pooling in his hand when he withdrew it.  
  
There used to be a time when Aaron thought this was below him. There used to be a time when Alexander loved him.  
  
He supposed a lot has changed since then.

**Author's Note:**

> I hoped you like it!!


End file.
